Friday Fun & Jokes

[MadBully]

I couldn't see a relevant thread so decided to get the ball rolling with one. It may be one to pin to the menu and can be updated regularly by everyone who has any funny jokes, stories, etc

[MadBully]

Eight Words with two Meanings

1 . THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female .... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female .... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a 'golf' trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve .
Male.. Call it what you like, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


AND ; )



He said . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
*************************
He said . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
****************** *******
He said . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
*************************
He said . . Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . They don't have time
*************************
She said Why is it di fficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
He said . . .. . They already have boyfriends.
*************************
She said ...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . .. A widow.
*************************
He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[MadBully]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. Th e pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[MadBully]

Wash your hands!!!

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine. (That's about 2.5 ounces)

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.)

An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Annually you will shake hands with 2 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Annually you will shake hands with 26 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

Daily you will breath in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases.

HAVE A GREAT DAY...
...and wash your damn hands!!!

[jetssuck]

lol....Thanks, good stuff

[MadBully]

thanks JS but we need you contribution..... and you can't point us to the thread where you took Brett Favre down either, despite being hilarious

[MadBully]

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was
enough as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't
strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't
want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put
it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford and
anywhere in Wales

[MadBully]

Duties of Wives!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he
had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.
He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came
home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the
dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a English girl. He boasted that he told her
that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed,
laundry and ironing done twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned
and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he
didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the
third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher, and call a handyman.


God Bless English Women

[MadBully]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[NCphinfan]

My response in bold

Originally Posted by MadBully

Wash your hands!!!

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine. (That's about 2.5 ounces) I have that much piss on me every day

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.) I touch about that many penises directly in a week.

An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs. the Mrs shaves so I got nothing here.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept! not suprising

Annually you will shake hands with 2 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands. My kind of girls!!!

Annually you will shake hands with 26 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands. Actually I just had a wank and haven't washed yet...I can't wait to shake hands with someone

In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket. I see that many dirty undergarments in a day easy.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests. I once got chlamydia at a wedding from some one in the wedding party

Daily you will breath in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases. I breathed in that much just yesterday....nasty patient

HAVE A GREAT DAY...
...and wash your damn hands!!!

[NCphinfan]

Not sure how well this will translate across the pond.

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks
him,
"Are you allergic to anything?"

He says "Yes - just caffeine."

"'Have you ever been in the service?"

"Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment,"
and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100% . . .an IED exploded near me and blew my
testicles
off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. In that case, I can hire you right
now.
Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 AM -
and
plan on starting at 10 AM every day."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why
don't
you want me to be here before 10 AM?"

"'This is a government job,' the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours
we just stand around
drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for
that."

[NCphinfan]

Two old guys are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

or this one




Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again.....The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4” stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.'
The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.' The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

[MadBully]

LOL NC and the Government joke translates fine

[jetssuck]

Ever heard the one about the poster that made a lewd comment about a cheerleader and brought on the wrath and ridicule of over 200 members of the dumb and deaf community, down on his forum?

[Batman]

Originally Posted by jetssuck

Ever heard the one about the poster that made a lewd comment about a cheerleader and brought on the wrath and ridicule of over 200 members of the dumb and deaf community, down on his forum?

seems like only yesterday